Another May…

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So… another May is here. This one makes it my 3rd blog anniversary.
First couple of years were good blog years. This past year’s been a pain in the butt ‘cause I’ve lost a whole lot of umph. It’s been a gradual loss, and I suppose it all dumped onto this past year. After the continuing Kenyan fiasco, with the chaser of the pogroms in SA, it’s been a lotta difficult to get back onto the saddle, and quite honestly, I doubt that I’ll ever recover that earlier vibe/insouciance. Not to worry though, ‘cause it never ceases to amaze me how I grow and get wiser from one minute to the next…

So imagine how much wiser a year makes me!

Oh, how wise has it made me? Let’s see:

1. I’ve had an outbreak of exes getting in touch. Lord only knows where they got my contacts, ‘cause I changed my name and country and outlook and everything, but I imagine I left them with information key enough to find me if they ever desired. The consensus was that although I appeared too free and opinionated at the time, I was actually (in their current states) “the one that got away”, and please could they get another chance?
2. This, juxtaposed with my recently crystalized realization that I had kowtowed to way too many people, and it was time to let it rip, allow me to be me. So me being me said, “Thanks. Incredibly flattered (and not to mention vindicated). But no thanks”. I tell ya. Oh! when I remember how sad and torn apart I was that I was me, that I couldn’t be (even half decently) what they wanted me to be at that point in time… 
3. Alas, there were also some no’s said to me (breathing a deep sigh of relief). Couple of crushes I had (yes, I like to put eggs in more than one basket…) declined my very heroic conclusion of what incredible synergy we could generate together. Disappointing, naturally. But great for me being me. And leaves the future, “kueupe”, or in the words of Natalie Beddingfield, “Unwritten”. Immensely exciting, but daunting. ‘Cause I would prefer for this next part of my life to be more conscious and thought through, unlike the reactive, defensive part I’m transiting out of. So I clearly have my work cut out, disposing of the habit of unconsciousness. But Oh Lord! When I think of how long it took me to actually understand life and love and humanity… and how whatever I understand now is but a mere fraction of what I’ll understand by the time my ticket gets punched. Incredible! Let’s see where this next part takes us…
4. I’ll whisper a quick secret to you though (special confession to you wonly – as she shakes her head like a dukawallah in a bollywood flick) one of the crushes reminded me of what an incredible and emotional writer I could be. I look at some of those missives now and marvel at how lyrical and vibrant the passages are, as I recall how uninhibited it felt as my fingers flew over the keyboard, composing them. Wow! Life bees like that sometimes, and I’ve learnt to take a bow and let it be.
5. So what do I now understand of life, love and the human condition? That your life is yours (I know, I know, Frankie already sang about it in ‘my way’). Never mind that folk tell you you’re too idealistic, unrealistic, have your head in the clouds, think you’re special, etc. Those are their issues. You know what you’re about, so go on and do your thing. Leave them to go crazy with their thing, and just because they sound so convinced that they’re right and you’re wrong, does not mean that you are. Just because they are prepared to completely compromise their souls and you are not, does not mean you’re an idiot, it just means you should feel empathy for them. But feeling empathy does not mean you have to deal with their negative auras. That’s why prayer and blessing were invented, you can pray for, and bless them from a distance, thus insulating yourself from their jacked up perspective of how ishtty or non-deliberate life is. I’ve been reading a bit of Victor Frankl (yes, yes, the ubiquitous (wo)Man’s search for meaning) , and like that he tells us it’s not about what you were put on this earth to do, but what you choose as your role on this earth. 
6. A whole lot of folk are mad at me, that I haven’t followed what they consider the beaten path; that I’ve wasted my life, my time, haven’t honored what they see as the natural progression of life, etc. (or maybe they’re mad ‘cause I’m not a fellow inmate?) I would peel the pant fabric off one cheek and tell them to pucker up… but (sighs deeply) that would be oh! so! indecorous. So I need to do a figurative peeling of the pant fabric: be genuinely and incredibly happy with every one of my decisions thus far. And I am. Despite the hovering dark cloud of society’s expectations, I am happy thus far with the path I chose. And can’t wait to realize all else that I’ve chosen
7. Aaah, you want to know why I’m even bothered with 6, when I already talked about 5?  ‘Tis the human condition to be so angst-ridden (not to be confused with “we are only human, not angels”… a line that’s used to justify all kinds of nonsense). One of the scripts in that perfect (human) software, is that you’re a ‘social’ being. I used to think that meant that you need to be around people, need people to validate you. Now I understand it as meaning that you are easily swayed by public opinion, you feel ill at ease being at the fringes of popular opinion, conventional wisdom. Even with perfect programs, it doesn’t hurt to be aware of the program’s weaknesses, and to steer clear of being so swayed by this socializing instinct that I continue to hail as Messiahs, people who show me, live, through their actions, that they are anything but. Which may not make sense, but provides the perfect segue to two of my favorite quotes. 
8. The first is from the late great Randy Pausch. He left advice to his 2 year old daughter that in matters romance, pay no attention to what the guy says, only pay attention to his actions.  
9. The second is one of my favorite Oprah insights. I used to watch Oprah way back when she was into ‘change your life television’… Anyway, one of the gems from that period in her past was the insight she brought via Maya Angelou (a woman whose memoirs have left me uncomfortably ambiguous about how I feel about them, but for whom I have great respect nonetheless, ‘cause she has had the generosity to share her experience of aging (as a black woman) with anyone who cares to hear it. Love her comments about how her right and left breasts were in competition to see which one would reach her (seated) lap first. Now there’s some straight up honesty! I figure that once you rob aging of the energy of denial and disappointment – and come to think of it, it is a total waste of time to be either, ‘cause like death and taxes, you so know that it’s a guarantee! – you’ll be able to do so much more with that diverted energy!) Yes, yes, back to that insight from Maya: “when people show you who they are, believe them! and believe them the first time!  Naturally, like with many things, I had to go and figure out this principle for myself, the hard way… So I finally believe a whole lot of people who showed me who they really were. Great, ‘cause it opens up my energy channels to new and beautiful things. Having dumped denial and “I know you’re better than this, you must be!” 
10. I’ve learnt humility. And as with all lessons on humility, one must experience that whole eating crow process to really appreciate what it means to be humbled. So I have. Crow, even on its best day don’t taste so good. So I’m hoping the lessons remain embedded in the psyche… I do not want to do another round of eating crow.

And… Year 4? Onward and upward! Fighting those windmills and refusing a return to “sanity”.

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